This is How Your Marriage Ends: A Hopeful Approach to Saving Relationships

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Matthew Fray went viral a few years ago with a blog post about how little things had -- um -- frayed his marriage until it broke. There were some big things too, but what it had come down to, he finally figured out, was that he had consistently not respected his wife's feelings. He had, without ever really meaning to, thoughtlessly ignored what she tried to communicate. I thought this was an interesting take, especially since it was written by someone who is divorced and obviously living with a lot of pain and regret. Biggest takeaways for me are: Really nice sentiment. This notion of morphing into a lovely person. That’s what this chapter of my life was supposed to be about, varying degrees of success depending on the subject, but I’m certainly proud of the mental and emotional work I’ve done RE: relationships. This Is How Your Marriage Ends...takes aim at some of the conventional wisdom of coupledom as it seeks to expose the hidden threats present in many relationships."

Then something funny (not ha-ha funny, more ironic-funny) happened—people were quarantining together, romantic partners and families, and for the first time in everyone’s lives, most people weren’t getting the space, time away, or diverse social and professional interactions with other people that they were accustomed to. HowTheTricolorGotItsStripes is a highly entertaining and likeable history of flags by Ukrainian ex-cabinet Minister Dmytro Dubilet and was originally published in Ukrainian 🇺🇦 Many people think that once you get married, there’s no more need to sit down and talk about your relationship. This is false, and one of the main reasons that marriages end. Being able to sit down and discuss your relationship is vital, especially in marriage. And even though it strikes me as a little bit cringy and selfish now, I remember having the thought a week or so later: Figures the New York Times would reach out to me, and then the biggest news thing ever would happen, ensuring that no one will ever give a shit about some divorced idiot writing things on the internet. I don't pretend to have the market cornered on marital wisdom and best practices. I'm still just some divorced asshole." Fray, who grew his blog into a new career as a relationship coach, states more than once that the end of his marriage was the worst thing that has happened to him. He estimates that 85% of men are like he was and don't know they are bad husbands. The joke is that his wife divorced him because he would always put his glass next to the dishwasher rather than in it, and while there may be some exaggeration there, there is also some truth to it.This author reminds me so much of Mark Manson. Which is ironic because it's the author's favorite author. So how much of him is he ripping off? That's the real question. I was surprised by how much I liked this book about a guy whose wife divorced him, and after getting over the anger and bitterness realized that he was almost entirely at fault and was able to look at inward and fix the problems. He’s now a life coach on relationships, and I think this entire book is very valuable for couples. Like usual, I saw my own behavior in his bad behavior. So that was eye-opening. A little over 4 years ago, I remember asking hopefully if you planned to write one, and you said yes, and I’ve been looking forward to it ever since. And here it is at last! I cannot wait to read it and buy extra copies for others who will be sure to enjoy it. You continue to give wonderful perspective with your healing words and it means the world to me. But still. What will really matter is what it will or won’t mean to the people in the fight. The husbands and wives and boyfriends and girlfriends and fathers and mothers. Maybe especially the mothers, because of how much they invisibly give.

You’ve been an active, meaningful contributor to the comments here. You know more about relationship dynamics than I ever will. I’m truly grateful for the time and wisdom you’ve invested here. Filtered through the lens of his own surprising, life-changing experience and his years counseling couples, This Is How Your Marriage Ends exposes the root problem of so many relationships that go wrong. We simply haven't been taught any of the necessary skills, Matthew explains. In fact, it is sometimes the assumption that we are acting on good intentions that causes us to alienate our partners and foment mistrust. Over the next couple of weeks, Times reporter (and book author) Jancee Dunn and I had a series of phone interviews. They seemed to go well. I was told the story would likely run sometime in March. As he shared raw, uncomfortable, and darkly humorous first-person stories about the lessons he’d learned from his failed marriage, a peculiar thing happened. Matthew started to gain a following. In January 2016 a post he wrote—“She Divorced Me Because I left the Dishes by the Sink”—went viral and was read over four million times.Fray points out that the thought process "I'm not trying to hurt her; therefore, she shouldn't feel hurt" is common, but wrong! (see also: discussions of racism, misogyny, etc.) I have really mixed feelings about this book, perhaps because it caused such mixed feelings about my life. I bought the book after stumbling upon the author's article, "She Divorced Me Because I Left Dishes By the Kitchen Sink." I have been on the other side of the dish argument for decades, now, and, impressed that he had given the matter enough thought to begin to see the problem, I was interested in what else he had to say. Eventually, the truth caught up to me and I understood: Good people can be bad at relationships. People with the best intentions in the world can still inadvertently harm their relationship partners. Being a good person does not equal being a good husband (or wife). You can provide for your family, be a great parent, and refrain from committing Major Marriage Crimes (adultery, murder) and still make your partner unhappy. Fray was married for 12 years until his wife asked for a divorce and blindsided him. He blogged about it – She divorced me because I left dishes by the sink - which eventually became this book.

So this is a relationship book that is very definitely written to men. Fray writes with kind of a dude-bro voice, a very 'I'm just like you' attitude. This is not to say that there's nothing here for women to benefit from (I think I did), but really this is a guy writing to other guys, trying to give a different perspective. Why'd he go and quote that crappy, fraud Glennan Doyle. Many people say, "we can do hard things." I say it all the time. She shouldn't get credit. She's a fraud. And a scissors. Just like the other fraud Hag Lizabeth Gilbert. If the fraud Brene Brown joins their trio then the world will end.The editors at the New York Times thought late May was the perfect time to run the story, which was super-inconvenient since I hadn’t yet shed my quarantine weight. Not only did the pandemic not lessen people’s interest in the subject matter I write and talk about, but it actually increased it in a counterintuitive way that I never saw coming. This is a must-read for people in any stage of a relationship, whether it's near the beginning or nearing the end. He talked about how he used to not have any empathy, and it wasn’t until he completely broke inside from the divorce that he was finally able to tap into empathy, and grow in ways he otherwise never would have. I guess that’s what it takes for some people. Irresistible by Joshua Paul Dale delves into the surprisingly ancient origins of Japan’s #kawaii culture and uncovers the cross-cultural pollination of the globalised world 🦊