I Hate You Don't Leave Me: Understanding the Borderline Personality

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The following steps may help you support a disorganized attacher in the way they need within a relationship: I. Communicate openly and clearly Disorganized attachment breakups tend to be a bit of a rollercoaster. Initially, a disorganized attacher may do all that they can to avoid the pain of a breakup, so they might numb their feelings in unhealthy ways such as by abusing substances. Chopik, W. J., Edelstein, R. S., & Grimm, K. J. (2019). Longitudinal changes in attachment orientation over a 59-year period. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 116(4), 598–611. Someone with a disorganized attachment style in relationships might have problems expressing their emotions to their loved ones because they either have difficulty interpreting their feelings or else fear a negative response for doing so.

Regardless of whether you’re romantically involved with a disorganized attacher, or if they’re platonic to you but nevertheless important in your life, then the below tips are transferable to most circumstances. In many ways, processing a breakup in therapy is an excellent way of understanding how repeating behaviors led to the breakup, because the disorganized attacher never processed their underlying issues from their childhood. Recognizing these patterns is a crucial start in the process of change. Another withdrawal behavior that a disorganized attacher may engage in when attempting to distance themselves from relationship intimacy is infidelity. This isn’t to suggest that all disorganized attachers cheat in relationships. According to research, however, someone with a disorganized attachment style may be more likely to act out sexually in an attempt to connect without intimacy.

Disorganized attachment in marriage plays out in similar ways to the other forms of disorganized relationships. Despite clearly loving their partner enough to marry them, if the disorganized attacher has not processed their maladaptive outlook on themself and the world, they still likely have a negative view of themselves and their spouse. They continue to feel unworthy of love and anticipate that their spouse will hurt them.

When a caregiver is emotionally and physically unavailable to their child, or displays highly contrasting behavior which is unpredictable or frightening, the child starts to fear for their safety. In extreme cases, some children with disorganized attachment were subject to abuse, or they may have experienced neglect or witnessed traumatic situations. No matter how secure we may be within ourselves and our relationships, we all experience breakups at some point in our lives. Yet, this doesn’t make the heartache any easier – however; our attachment style can determine how we emotionally respond to breakups.

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Bear in mind that the disorganized attachment style doesn’t just affect romantic relationships. Disorganized attachment friendships are also characterized by difficulties with trusting others, an inability to be mutually vulnerable, and struggles with maintaining long-term friendships. As the above points suggest, the traits of the disorganized attachment style can make relationship stability and longevity a challenge. It’s possible to help a disorganized partner open up by communicating your own feelings and needs in a clear, coherent, and open manner. Doing so may give your partner the courage to do so themselves, as well as possibly help them recognize their own complex or intense emotions. II. Be consistent Mikulincer, M., Shaver, P.R. (2007). Attachment in Adulthood: Structure, Dynamics, and Change. Guilford Press. Despite often confusing actions to the contrary, disorganized attachers want relationships – they want to love and be loved. However, they’re also afraid that their partners will betray their trust, so they struggle to let others “in”.