The Book of Boundaries: Set the Limits That Will Set You Free

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Featuring: Drug Addiction, Healthy Foods, Family Drama, Clear is Kind, Unearned Guilt, Horrible Bosses, Boundary Scripts, 🚦, Boundary Alerts, Emotional Vampires, Venting Vs Emotional Dumping, Friendship Breakups, Boundaries in Marriage and Romantic Relationships, Boundaries in the Bedroom, the Boundaries of Others, Boundaries in Action Setting healthy boundaries is good for your relationships, your business, and your finances. The Book of Boundaries shows you how to stand up for yourself, say no, and communicate your needs in a way that leaves you feeling confident and empowered. Through her stories, personal experiences, and research,Melissa Urban gives you the tools, affirmations, and language you need to reclaim your time, energy, and health.” —Tiffany Aliche, New York Times bestselling author of Get Good with Money Overall this is a pretty decent book on boundaries. The scripts in this book are gold and the primary reason it got 4 stars. If you've struggled to identify and establish healthy boundaries - with family, in romance, at work, or in life - Melissa Urban shows the way forward with clarity, vulnerability, and humour'

The truth is, when someone oversteps your limit, there is no comfortable solution. But one path is paved with short-term discomfort that leads to major long-term improvements in your health and happiness . . . and the other path is just an endless circle that leaves you feeling unworthy, anxious, angry, and resentful. There are thousands of books that talk about married life and partnership and I found a new interest in them after my wedding. We were already a team but since the wedding, I feel a stronger energy and connection. I get where Nancy is coming from. We (especially women) are often told that it’s selfish to put our own feelings and needs first. This is a common objection to boundaries: that setting them feels cold or punitive, like you’re building a wall between people and creating division. But remember, boundaries aren’t walls, they’re fences. And good fences make for good neighbors.scripts with language you can use to instantly establish boundaries with bosses and co-workers, romantic partners, parents and in-laws, co-parents, friends, family, neighbors, strangers—and yourself Melissa Urban shows the way forward with clarity, vulnerability, and humor.”—Gretchen Rubin, author of Life in Five Senses If you know you need to work on your boundaries, this is the perfect book for you. If you want to learn a new, practical skill in an easy to understand way, this is also the perfect book for you. And if you are looking to expand your reading into non-fiction waters, I also highly recommend this book! These past three years have been a crash course in learning how to set boundaries that have been a requirement for my own and my family's mental and physical health. They have finally come into the spotlight as a form of SELF CARE. However, despite even helping my clients set them, I still struggle with putting my needs into clear, kind language.

My best friend, Lauren, and I chatted about this lesson. As a society, we are not just bad at saying no, we are also bad at accepting no. I was telling them about a Christmas exchange I was part of where I got offered something and I declined. The next five minutes were uncomfortable because the gifter wanted to know why I won’t accept their gift and I personally was thinking out loud and trying to understand my own aversion. As I looked through The Book of Boundaries days later for writing this review, I realized I had forgotten lesson 2. 🙂 Urban, for better or worse, is the creator of the The Whole30: The 30-Day Guide to Total Health and Food Freedom plan. She says this book was born partly out of helping herself and her clients comfortably say 'no' to dietary choices. Success there led to people asking for help with "their pushy co-worker, toxic mother-in-law, and nosy neighbor." She notes that her own upbringing ill-prepared her for setting healthy boundaries, and that learning how to set them saved her from a life, perhaps literally, as she was addicted to alcohol and drugs.A empowering and compassionate guide to setting boundaries to reclaim your energy and relationships - from the New York Times bestselling co-author of The Whole30. I also got tons of book recommendations from The Book of Boundaries and am diving into them. A few noteworthy ones are: Fair Play: A Game-Changing Solution for When You Have Too Much to Do by Eve Rodsky ( Goodreads), Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life by Emily Nagoski ( Goodreads) and Tiny Habits: The Small Changes That Change Everything by B. J. Fogg ( Goodreads). Whether it is in a workplace or in the family, one person’s boundaries are empowering to another. I have experienced this first hand. Clinton is the oldest in his family and once I was introduced to his family, I have had a wonderful example to look up to. From a young age, he made his preferences clear to his parents. Me coming into the equation led to a few of them relaxing slightly while others I was able to solidify further. I have been able to build on top of his boundaries and approach family discussions around travelling and home visits with confidence. Melissa Urban’s latest is the “guidebook” on boundaries a lot of readers will find relevant and useful. It’s written in a manner that is easy to follow, understand and apply but it’s also relatable and enjoyable to read as she shares both personal examples, as well as those of the individuals she worked with. She explains what boundaries are, why they matter and how to set and uphold them in various contexts (from workplace to friends, family and relationships). I truly enjoyed reading this book, in part because it’s obvious this book was written by someone who has done and continues to do the work on themselves and their relationship, as well as someone who thinks deeply about how this book might be experienced from very different perspectives.

A woman named Nancy recently sent me a message on social media: “I take a walk by myself every morning, for my own mental health. Lately, my elderly neighbor has been inviting herself along, waiting for me to come outside, then joining me. She’s very nice, and it’s clear she likes the company, but this is the only alone time I get in my day. How can I say no to her without feeling mean?” Thank you to Melissa Urban and NetGalley for this ARC and allowing me to be a part of the launch team in exchange for an honest review! She suggests thinking about applying boundaries in three steps: green, yellow, and red, following our less-than delightful need for thought simplification. 'Green' ones are gentle ways we may try to redirect people, or state our needs. One of insights Urban brings is that boundaries are actually done with compassion: it is not unkind to tell someone (or yourself) 'no,' if it is in service of a higher good. And it can be done nicely, without being mean (those of you in the midwest can breathe easier). This, I think, is a telling example of how many of us have boundaries that we don't like enforcing when she discusses how 'soft' reactions are really bad attempts at making a boundary:Ch. 7 When You Just Can't Walk Away: Setting Boundaries with Co-Parents - That was more in-depth than other books. The only issue I have with this book so far is that she keeps making these blanket statements that are biased and reference sexual orientation, it's starting to become annoying. If that just made you throw up in your mouth a little bit, you’re not alone. My research shows that the main reason people don’t set boundaries where they need them is that it’s so damn uncomfortable. I won’t try to pretend otherwise—I feel it, too. It’s not always easy for me to say no to an esteemed work colleague, to ask my husband for alone time, or to tell my parents, “I won’t discuss this with you further.” Speaking up in the moment, advocating for yourself, and asking for what you need is uncomfortable. But what’s both uncomfortable and damaging isreaffirming the story that someone else’s feelings are more important or worthy than your own—which is what you do every time you swallow your healthy boundary in an effort to keep the peace. Practical and inspiring, The Book of Boundaries will empower you to prioritise your needs and lead a life that feels bigger, freer and happier. The flip side is being able to set boundaries around questions that are intruding that I should be able to walk away from. The number of times Clinton and I were asked, “So when are you getting married?” and the times “kids” are hinted at is sadly a part of living in our society where these things are valued but at the same time, it is no one’s business. Like I learned in lesson 5, it is all in our time. No one can make us do anything.

Ch. 4 When Drama Is Your Mama: Setting Boundaries with Parents, In-Laws, Grandparents, and Other Family Members - This is a fantastic book on boundaries; I'm loving the scripts. I can't wait to read the family portion. Well, I am waiting, so that's obviously an exaggeration.I need a fiction break; these chapters are long. DNF’d: the book has a promising premise and does contain useful insights about what boundaries are which were helpful to think through. For example, a passage talks about how boundaries are not about controlling the other person’s behavior but about your response to that behavior when the two of you are together (you can’t get your uncle to stop smoking in general but you can say that if he insists on smoking in your house, he can’t come over anymore). The model scripts and phases of boundaries (green, yellow, red) were also interesting, but these scripts themselves felt targeted toward a predominantly white American audience and isn’t self aware about it. It's an interesting book, blending personal experience, psychology, and advice. It's broken into three parts, 'Boundary Beginnings,' 'Practice,' and 'Benefits.' 'Practice' is by far the largest section and reads somewhat like an advice column. The 'Practice' is broken up into eight relationship categories: parents/in-laws, friends/neighbors, workplace, co-parents, romantic partners, food/alcohol, triggers, and yourself. I appreciate her including setting boundaries with ourselves as part of healthy behavior. Boundaries are established to help you plan and communicate your response to what other people say or do. In a healthy boundary practice, you’ll notice how other people’s behavior impacts you, communicate your healthy limit in relation to that behavior, then consider what you are willing to do to enforce that limit."

Retailers:

You are worthy of creating that safe space for yourself and reclaiming your rightful power, which you’ve been ceding to others for far too long. All that stands between you and feelings of ease, confidence, capacity, and freedom are a few carefully selected words, spoken with kindness from a place of self-care. The Book of Boundaries, pg 22 Ch. 5 Relationships We (Mostly) Choose: Setting Boundaries with Friends and Neighbors - This was very enlightening despite the app drama. With the long chapters and heavy topics, I'm hoping to be done by Sunday. You need to ruminate on this one. A long book review forthcoming. If that isn't your cup of tea, just apply a personal boundary and say, 'not for me,' and move on. Boundaries, you see, work both ways: protecting intrusions into our personal space/time, but also to managing our own urges to step out into others' and perhaps involve ourselves in something that isn't to our benefit. The idea that a boundary isn't about controlling others is a key point, and I appreciate that Urban makes it early. My thoughts: 📱7% 44:08 Part One: Boundaries Beginnings: Ch. 1 A Crash Course on Boundaries - I thought this was going to be the same ol same ol, but she got real personal.