Recovering from Emotionally Immature Parents: Practical Tools to Establish Boundaries and Reclaim Your Emotional Autonomy

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I wholeheartedly recommend this book, particularly to those whose childhoods included induced guilt or shame. Does the problem person in your life place more emphasis on stuff rather than emotional well-being? Lindsay Gibson: And that's very scary. Without that giant, you cannot survive. And so fear of that parent's reactions is a very, very healthy survival mechanism for all children. Below, we’ve curated a list of common tell-tale signs you’re dealing with an emotionally juvenile mother or father. 1. Rigid and Single-Minded

Sana Qadar: Yes, do you have any thoughts on why it would be so common? What contributes to making so many emotionally immature parents?

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They define reality based on how it feels to them. This is called affective realism. We all do this. When we feel good, things look good. But EI’s take this to an extreme. The way it feels is the way it is. Mandy: It's worth realising that you are deserving of having boundaries, you are deserving of that, even in situations that are not extreme. In the group we will sometimes joke around that it's not about playing trauma Olympics, it's not like, oh, but this person had more trauma so they are more deserving of boundaries. It's not a competition, nobody is trying to win by having more trauma. You are deserving of being respected as a person. We all have triggers that affect us emotionally so creating a plan about how you will manage the triggers and come before you interact with your parent. Trying to figure it out in the moment, rarely if ever works. Allow yourself to grieve the type of relationship you may be craving but probably can't have with this person. Whoa. This explains a lot. Also, this book is plain helpful for dealing with anyone who has emotionally immature people in your life.

Recovering from emotionally immature parents can be life-changing — whether you’re 14 or 84. It’s like taking a hundred-pound weight off your body. The insight you’ll gain will also open previously untapped avenues of compassion and relaxation. It may sound strange, but you’ll like yourself better! When we are able to understand their emotional immaturity has more to do with them and less or nothing to do with you, you can begin to free yourself from the emotional loneliness you experienced. Learning how to express how you feel to them, to yourself, or to others, allows you to return to yourself and begin to lead a more authentic life, free from the restrictions once put on you. Emotionally immature parents can be frustratingly stubborn — they’re like two-year-olds who discover the word no! They don’t respect other people’s opinions and rarely admit when they’re wrong. Without it, you could find yourself onboarding their baggage — and you don’t need to carry around their problems. Moreover, it’s important to honor your own emotional experiences.So many of my interactions with EI people and parents leave me feeling resentful, and I struggle to put my finger on what exactly happened, often blaming myself for being weak or angry. The book has given me more clarity, explaining what emotional maturity looks like and how many of us feel around it, versus emotional immaturity and how we might feel. When someone gets really upset when I don't do what they want, it's pretty understandable for me to feel fear and guilt. Who wants to see their boss or parent fall apart? That's painful and scary! Emotionally mature people may be disappointed when I say no, but they can keep their world together. Their stability doesn't depend on me. They respect my existence and needs as separate and equal. If nobody mastered the skill, we’d all be stomping around in a snit, and nothing would get done. We’d be a species of emotional toddlers! These are hallmarks of infantile parents, especially those in the “driven” category. 2. Low-Stress Tolerance When people start to make changes on their end, they put expectations on the relationship and the person for it to go a certain way. Often, this is not how things play out. Ask yourself, what are you hoping to get from this exchange? Are you hoping they will change and understand you? Sana Qadar: Mandy now runs an online forum where other children of difficult parents can swap survival stories, share encouragement and try and heal.