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Not Drinking Tonight: A Guide to Creating a Sober Life You Love

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Yeah, absolutely. And I think to your point to it can eat it wine because of the way it’s sold to us and advertised is it has these like romantic notions of it. You know, I think of like Caroline Knapp, you know, her book, right? Like I was the first book I read, and I was just like, the first paragraph. It’s called drinking a love story. And there’s a giant glass of red wine on the cover. And of course, I read it while drinking. This was a good decade before I quit. But yeah, her first paragraph, I’m gonna say it wrong was like, I fell in love. And then because the thing I loved was hurting me. I had to stop, and I was just like, oh, yeah, you know? There are lots of reasons you might choose not to drink. Maybe you’re pregnant, you’re on medication, you’re driving, you're cutting down for health reasons, you’re on a cleanse, or maybe you just don’t like the taste. Regardless of the motive, it’s not anyone's business. From what I’ve seen, I’m not alone. A self proclaimed party girl turned sober therapist, White takes readers through her own transformation. Along the way, she spaces vignettes between three fusion patents - each a blend of 50 odd real patients, in addition to psychological tools and categorizations. This blend of perspectives usually works well. White’s knowledge shines through when discussing identifying core causes for drinking and when expressing empathy to the occasional slip, or return to drinking regularly. More than just refusal skills, you need good prevention planning,” adds Couey. “Know why you’re there, know how long you’re going to be there, and have your own way to leave if you need to.” For example, drinking generally gets heavier later into the night, so consider coming early and leaving early if you suspect that will be the case, he says. Be firm but polite when declining a drink. If you get too defensive, the other person may get offended, but if they persist after you’ve said no, stand your ground and have confidence in your decision. Avoid spending all of your time on your phone

Many people are familiar with alcohol’s unpleasant potential side effects, which include dehydration, fatigue, headaches, stomach discomfort, and nausea, according to the NIAAA — so they’re unlikely to press you on the topic. More Tips on Managing a Social Situation When You’re Not Drinking I turn, you know, like pretend you have the stomach flu. And if you are on the couch with a fever and chills, you would not take your kid to swimming practice you would not go to the party you would not you would just tell your boss like I can’t do that project. It’s just not possible right now because and you know, it helps to just kind of be like, what is the lowest bar I need to set. And it’s really hard for women who are used to being overachievers and be multitaskers and like, keeping everything going because they’re like, okay, if I’m gonna stop drinking, I’m gonna lose 30 pounds, I’m going to run every day, I’m going to out. I’ve had clients be like, Okay, I really need to organize the paperwork in my office in my attic. And I’m like, Okay, how long has that been an issue? And they’re like, three years? It’s um, yes. And I’m like, Okay, you’re on day four of addictive habit in your life. Like, yeah, go binge. Just show and take a nap and eat some brownies for God’s sake. Drinking is so embedded in our culture, though, that it can be hard to admit that the drinking could be causing the relationship issues. Especially if you fear being labeled an alcoholic. No one wants to be labeled an alcoholic Are you worried about feeling in control of the conversation as you make changes to your drinking habits? You are a woman who does not identify as an alcoholic but is questioning her relationship with alcohol.

Yeah. And my favorite was all the strategies for moderating what is you did of course, like not pre gaming, not drinking hard liquor, not taking shots, and then only drinking shots. And you said, I can’t believe I thought that one was a good idea.

So, I don’t create anything anyway, go through that. And, you know, think about, okay, is this working for me or not? And one of the things I liked about the book was you talked about sort of three different personas that are women, you know, sort of compilations of women that you work with as a licensed therapist who specializes in helping people change their relationship with alcohol. So, it’s not just your story, it’s snapshots of all the women that have the same thoughts and fears and concerns and pitfalls. And that is something I see as well, like they’re, We’re so alike. And of course, everyone has their own unique path and their own unique triggers and stress, but the struggles, the fears, the thought patterns we go through the rationalizations are really common. And one of your personas that you talk about is Briana. And it sounds a lot like many of the women who listened to this program, so I wanted to talk about it. So, she said 34 year old woman who’s married with two kids and is relying on alcohol to deal with the transition to motherhood, and feelings about work for being a working mother. And I was like, Oh, my God, this is me. Yeah. So, tell us about that. This person thinks that the only people would ever opt out of drinking are the ones who were born into it—much like not eating peanut butter because of an unfortunate peanut allergy. Discreetly change the topic: “So have you seen The Book of Mormon?” 2. Oh no, are you feeling okay? Whether you have decided not to drinkthat night, or you don’t drink at all, you should feel confident in your decision. There’s no rule that says you have to drink when you go to a party, and chances are you won’t be the only one taking who has decided not to that night. Be comfortable in your decision not to drink, and have confidence going in that you’re still going to enjoy yourself, and you don’t need alcohol for that. Be prepared for questions or comments

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Yeah, I mean, I’m not a parent. So, I can’t like but I think that I think that’s such a part of social currency is like I drink. I’m so cool. Like, when I was a yoga teacher, I used to make jokes about drinking in my yoga classes and stuff like that as a way to be like, Don’t worry, I’m not like, you know, I’m not too healthy. I’m still cool. I drink. Yeah, it is a dead hoarder. It exists. Go with that? Do that? Absolutely. But if you don’t want to adopt that label, that is not actually a label in as you said, the DSM, it actually isn’t.

Ready to change your drinking habits or just want to give yourself the freedom to say ‘no’? Club Soda co-founder and leading voice in the Mindful Drinking Movement, Laura Willoughby is here to inspire you. Not Drinking Tonight: The Workbook pivots away from the question, “am I an alcoholic?” and instead asks you to consider, “would your life be better without alcohol?” Most of us are never given the opportunity to ask this, let alone figure it out. So in this your book, and this podcast is coming out right at the beginning of January, which is right at the beginning of new year’s resolution where I know, I would be like this year I the same resolutions every single year that included like, I’m going to lose weight, I’m going to get a handle on my alcohol, I’m going to start running, I’m going to stop biting my nails, which I know is bad, but I’ve done it my entire life. And I’m going to learn how to like play guitar and do it for 20 minutes every day. And you know, at least I’ve dropped the dieting and the alcohol. Oh, yeah. Right. But, but you’re right. So, if women are listening to this, and it’s the first week or the second week or the third week of January, I think dry January is wonderful. It gives you an entry to an extended period of time without alcohol so many people do it who are sober, curious are just wanting to take a break and wanting to see how they feel and it’s really socially acceptable now and part of the conversation. So absolutely. You can start with dry January, a lot of people that’s their first month alcohol free and they keep going. But Don’t set yourself up for sabotage by trying to do it all and beating yourself up for not being perfect. I have a relationship. Yeah, exactly. That. And in your book, you absolutely talk about sort of the link the similarities, the connection between alcohol culture and diet culture, and how both the route of the alcohol and the diet culture are the same? Will you tell us more about that?Yeah. And I think it’s where a lot of us are, you know, we don’t want to admit it. But alcohol can really have a negative impact on our life. And the moderating can be so exhausting. I mean, I used to spend similar to what you said, countless hours, just thinking if I could come up with the right code, the right amount of alcohol to be relaxed enough, but not too much, that I would do something that I regret and abandon my values. And it was just an impossible, an impossible task to get right. Yes, yeah. And I know, we were chatting before we before we jumped on the podcast about how we both really recommend not going on a diet or lifestyle change in the early days of sobriety. And that’s so common and so natural, based on the culture we’re in, and, you know, our beliefs around restriction and, and control and willpower, but it really doesn’t allow you to deal with the discomfort of sobriety. And it doesn’t give you the skills. I know, you say the skills that you need for long term success, because willpower and motivation and beating yourself up. It will only take you so far. Firstly, remember you don’t need anyone else’s permission to make a decision that’s right for you. I’ve found the more confident you sound when declaring your intention: “I’m not drinking tonight,” the less people challenge it. Yeah, yeah. And I, one of the things I like about it is, it’s not a memoir, but it’s born out of your experience. And obviously, you stopped drinking eight years ago. But you’re also a therapist, and you see a lot of clients struggle with their relationship with alcohol. So, it has that sort of dual perspective of personal experience, and also helping others. I am so excited to share that my new book, Not Drinking Tonight: The Workbook, is officially available everywhere books are sold!

Here, we ask leader of the Mindful Drinking Movement Laura Willoughby for her advice on deflecting the pressure and judgement from friends. Plus, she shares five of the best bars for the sober curious… How do I tell my friends that I’m not drinking alcohol tonight? If someone brings you a drink after you said no, or without asking, it’s okay to let them know that you’re not drinking tonight. If they insist on you taking it, you can accept it, but you don’t have to drink it. Give it to someone else or simply leave it on the table. Yeah, I think there’s just a lot of overlap. And that is kind of one of the interesting things is I would i i would love more people, even if you don’t have a problem with alcohol to read it because I think I think alcohol is the the entry point to the book. But I would say two thirds of the book really applies to so many people because it is taught like I said, it’s not just the alcoholic or the addict or the alcohol drinker experience. It is the human experience of we all have these tendencies and these spots where we might need to grow. Almost everyone I know needs re parenting of some kind not because our parents were bad but because psychology and boundaries literally didn’t exist until nice until the 1950s. So, we like are just learning all of these ideas too.Person continues to persist: Asks you more in-depth questions, continues to push the point, or even buys you a drink and ignores your response.

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