The 69 best dick jokes: Funny joke book

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Why did the scientist ignore the advice to “Don’t be silly, wrap your willy”? Because he believed in the power of his lab goggles! I bought a box of condoms earlier today. The cashier asked if I’d like a bag. I said “no, I’ll just turn the lights off.” Why did the pianist disregard the slogan “Don’t be silly, wrap your willy”? Because he believed in the power of musical notes! Why did the mechanic ignore the advice to “Don’t be silly, wrap your willy”? Because he believed in the power of a tight seal! I’m going out with an English teacher, which is a bit awkward because she keeps correcting my grammar during sex. She’s particularly annoyed at my improper use of the colon.” – Gary Delaney

When I die, I want to go peacefully in my sleep like my grandpa did, not screaming and shouting like his passengers. On his honeymoon in Jamaica, he’s in the bathroom and notices the guy on the urinal next to him also has Wy tattooed on his pen*s. He asks her if his wife is also named Wendy. The guy replies, “No man, why do you ask?” What did the gardener say to his rake? “Don’t be silly, wrap your tines, Willy! We don’t want any garden scratches!”

Why did the farmer ignore the advice to “Don’t be silly, wrap your willy”? Because he believed in the natural pollination of his crops! I don’t like my boyfriend watching pornography. I do think it’s kind of a form of infidelity, because he’ll be imagining himself having sex with other women, and I don’t understand why he needs to watch it when I draw him such great vaginas.” – Sara Pascoe His next shot is even further off. “Jesus Christ! Missed again.” The man yells in anger. The priest explains again, how the man mustn’t use the Lord’s name in vain. Two cows are grazing in a field. One cow says to the other, "You ever worry about that mad cow disease?" The other cow says, "Why would I care? I'm a helicopter!"

What did the conductor say to his orchestra? “Don’t be silly, wrap your baton, Willies! We don’t want any misplaced beats!” So I’ll try to listen to how people speak, hear the words they choose and see how that can be turned around, and reverse engineer a joke out of that.” ‘Stand on stage and see if they laugh’ A husband tells his wife, “I bet you can’t say something that’ll make me happy and sad at the same time”. She thinks for a bit and says “your pen*s is bigger than your brother’s”. The thing I don’t get about paedophilia… Why the hell do kids find old men in dirty raincoats so sexy?” – Frankie Boyle Some other filthy jokes: What is even worse than waking up after a party and finding a pen*s was drawn on your face? Finding out it was traced.

Tributes paid after former England and Barcelona manager Terry Venables passes away

He lived with his parents until he was 30. He worked for his father. His mother treated him like a god. And he still thinks his mother was a virgin. Why did the golfer ignore the advice to “Don’t be silly, wrap your willy”? Because he believed in the power of his swing! A man goes to the beach and sees a woman with no legs and no arms, crying by the shoreline. He asks her what ́s wrong. The c ashier says : “ Yes, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers and requirements of the legislation, etc., I must insist on seeing ID. ”

We got a dog, and it was my turn to take the dog out,” he begins. “And as I was taking it out, my wife said: ‘Don’t forget poo bags.’ Now, if you were speaking proper English, you’d say ‘don’t forget the poo bags’ – but she dropped the ‘the’. What did the chef say to his knife? “Don’t be silly, wrap your blade, Willy! We don’t want any accidental cuts!” What did the doctor say to his patient? “Don’t be silly, wrap your appendix, Willy! We don’t want any unexpected surgeries!”What did the lifeguard say to the swimmers? “Don’t be silly, wrap your floaties, Willies! We don’t want any sinking incidents!” Why did the musician disregard the slogan “Don’t be silly, wrap your willy”? Because he believed in the magic of his instrument! I have an addiction to making references to random Bruce Willis movie titles. People have tried to help me stop but you know what they say. Old habits... Pulp Fiction